For the first 30 years of my life, I was not part of much in any meaningful way. I had my moments with family; I was well-behaved, polite, never set out to hurt anyone. Then again I never set out to do much of anything - I didn't want to upset anyone, and I didn't want any attention. Attention shines a light and exposes good and bad qualities alike - I didn't want any light shining on me. I wanted to go by unnoticed - and I was pretty successful.
Fear of not being taken seriously. Fear of freedom and fear of light. Fear of being superfluous. Fear that you won’t love your enemy. Fear of not loving and fear of not loving enough. Fear that what you love will prove inconsequential. Fear of death. Fear of running out of time. Fear of things left … Continue reading FEAR
I am a recovering alcoholic living with depression, generalized anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. This is not news, but it has been a long time since I have written directly on the topic so I thought I would refresh your memory. My sobriety date is February 11, 2014, and I am without relapse, slip, or … Continue reading Recovery & Stigma
If I should be brought before you And am asked to skim the trees To recollect my fondest thoughts Amid a wasteland of memories I should dig deep the shallow trenches I will seek out every eye For my past bear's strong resemblance To the ones I stand before And I will know a soft … Continue reading Death of a relationship | Continue
"There are two things children should get from their parents: roots and wings." — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe I don't deserve to have the mother I do. I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way; Rather I find my mother to be such a rarity that it doesn't seem fair to others that I ended … Continue reading MY HEART
"If the world were to end tomorrow would you get wasted?" That was the question that got the table laughing and got a resounding "yes" in response from the others. I had just finished chairing a meeting at Bellevue hospital, speaking to those still in the terrifying grips of this illness so the others would … Continue reading My Balancing Act
"Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most." - Fyodor Dostoevsky Lately, things have been going well. I am turning 32 sometime this afternoon, and I have no idea what to say. I have no idea where I am going and no news on tomorrow. What fascinates me is that even though … Continue reading Now is When the Sun Shines Brightest