OKAY, I’LL BE PART OF THIS WORLD

For the first 30 years of my life, I was not part of much in any meaningful way. I had my moments with family; I was well-behaved, polite, never set out to hurt anyone. Then again I never set out to do much of anything – I didn’t want to upset anyone, and I didn’t want any attention. Attention shines a light and exposes good and bad qualities alike – I didn’t want any light shining on me. I wanted to go by unnoticed – and I was pretty successful.

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The Sun Is Still Here

Though it satisfies my selfish mind to align myself, to toe the line, I must move away from mirrored minds and reflective voices on the chorus line shouting “we are right and they are lying.” I want my beliefs to be challenged, and you secure enough to be challenged. I want to be without answers and confidently balanced. I have no use for you who are right and you who are wrong. I want to be steady on trembling roads where all is not right and all has gone wrong. I want to surprise my shadow and know that I am not…

FEAR

Fear of not being taken seriously. Fear of freedom and fear of light. Fear of being superfluous. Fear that you won’t love your enemy. Fear of not loving and fear of not loving enough. Fear that what you love will prove inconsequential. Fear of death. Fear of running out of time. Fear of things left unsaid. Fear of being forgotten. Fear that your transformation has gone unnoticed. Fear that you won’t be fully recognized. Fear that they won’t understand what all the fuss is about. Fear that you are too late. Fear that you never arrived.   With sincerity, effort,…

Recovery & Stigma​

I am a recovering alcoholic living with depression, generalized anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder. This is not news, but it has been a long time since I have written directly on the topic so I thought I would refresh your memory. My sobriety date is February 11, 2014, and I am without relapse, slip, or any other reference to the use of mind-altering drugs. I lead a fulfilling life with a loving family and a fellowship of people I would do most anything for. I am honest, dependable, thoughtful, compassionate, and spend most of my time of service to others…

Out of all of this

I have a battle on my hands and I know it. Yours is a battle I cannot fight; I can imagine it is an exhausting one. There will be sadness, probably more than there is now, and that’s ok. Great sadness is the mark of a great thing being removed from this world, so it is in this sadness I turn to gratitude. Though my words here may cast shadows around my current state, there is no amount of darkness to overwhelm the brightness you have given me.

The Fall of Love | A Path To Love

   OUT OF SPITE I LOVED YOU. RESISTING THE TEMPTATION OF REASON                  IN SPITE OF THEM ALL, I LOVED YOU. OR, I NEVER LOVED YOU IF IT EASES THE TIDE  I MUST LOVE SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE.                  THE DOOR HOLDS, WATCHING THE HINGE BEND I cannot define love, but if I could, I would say that my definition of it has changed drastically over the last two years. Or rather, my sensibility surrounding the essence of love has changed a great deal. Judging by my current…

HALF DECENT MAN |

| Written as part of the Aesthete series  Pat’s was a karaoke bar on Manhattan’s Upper East Side that was most likely mistaken by the neighborhood as just another Irish pub. From the outside it was hard to see it as anything worth remembering; the awning always in disrepair, the “specials” had seemingly gone unchanged for years, and the paint was always changing colors as if the owners were upgrading the place by throwing on a few coats of expired latex and oil. However, to those who knew Pat’s intimately, those who sat their elbows down on the sticky bar…

Life Boldly Breaks To Beauty

You are born with pure heart and mind, sound and lovely. For I only know beauty born in reverse – I know beauty after the bloodshed, death, and ghosts. But you know beauty before the plague. You see beauty and love as they exist, unlike me with my gratitude and admiration so necessary. You were born to be beloved – I died to become only a mere fraction of people such as yourself. Do not resist what comes naturally – your nature is not mistaken.  I sit and listen to the rain ricochet off my windows and down to the…

Home

It’s hard to make it home when you’re always on the wrong road As we drove deeper into Brooklyn and away from the madness in Manhattan I asked the driver to drop me several avenues away from my building. I decided I wanted to walk a bit – walking often brings me clarity. As I continued down the sidewalk a smile grew across my face. It was the kind of smile you get when you have just parted ways with the girl you can’t stop thinking about. I felt the rush of the year pass through me and I paused…