I feel overmatched.
I watch as you gaze into the Atlantic ocean and I want to know what you are thinking. You have this look, the way a child looks when daydreaming, as though the whole of life turned to fantasy. I’m not sure what to make of it, but I feel it, and I suppose I am happy for it.
Still, I can no longer see your eyes and have no grasp of where you are, and sadness envelops me.
I’m sitting in a nearly empty room in Brooklyn, and I don’t know how all of this is going to come out. I will be honest, and I won’t denigrate others – I will talk about you and your life, but I’m not here to judge or answer any questions. I’ll do my best to write without concern of what others may think – of what you may think. All of this is out of my control, so I will trust myself and begin.
I fear there are memories somewhere that I didn’t keep long enough. I know who you are; I mean, I know your essence and your worth. I know that you have suffered for me and fought for me. To say that I am angry would be incorrect. In fact, this isn’t really about you, insofar as how it affects me – this is about me learning how to react and handle the changes you are going through, and it hurts; this type of change sends signals to the deepest roots within a person and delivers an astonishing pain. That’s what this is: all of this living and aging demands I bear the weight of dying and losing.
Lately, it seems I’m losing more of you than ever before, and I know it’s not coming back to me. I need to find where I end and you begin, because I’m not strong enough to take on weight that isn’t my own. I get lost because I have never had to do this. Frustration sets in; at times I want to push it all inside and pretend that you can’t affect me; but I know where that road leads. I’m not willing to close my eyes and find myself lost and alone yet again. I’m not willing to lose everything because this has got me sideways – this work feels like constant effort, and if that’s what it takes I am willing to constantly work.
I have a battle on my hands and I know it. Yours is a battle I can’t fight; I can imagine it is an exhausting one. There will be sadness, probably more than there is now, and that’s ok. Great sadness is the mark of a great thing being removed from this world, so it is in this sadness I turn to gratitude. Though my words here may cast shadows around my current state, there is no amount of darkness to overwhelm the brightness you have given me.
Out of all of this, if you are reading this, I want you to know how incredibly grateful I am for each memory stored away and each moment we have together. I hope when you sit and look out at the ocean you have some of those stored away for yourself. I wish I had what it took in the past to create positive moments, and I hope you forgive me for my detachment and selfishness. I didn’t know how to give back any of the love given to me, but I’m learning it these days. I only hope I didn’t come back to life too late for this – I hope I haven’t given an underwhelming performance.
My words are no longer backed with paper-thin defenses – and with confidence, I can tell you that I always want you to be a part of whatever I am doing. Everything that matters in this world is happening at this moment, and you seem to have found a way to reign in moments as they come, releasing them as they go. I am grateful for the lessons learned. I can tell you that fear doesn’t control my life as it once did – it has been replaced with gratitude and service. And it is with gratitude and service that I hope to be useful to you in any way you may need me to be.
There is no right way to do any of this, there is only action and good direction. I have no business trying to change the landscape of the past or future; I trust the way the winds blow. I have seen too much darkness in my life not to enjoy the light, and I intend to do just that. I would never have imagined I would still be a part of all of this – that I would still have you next to me. Some people change their lives because they are tired of being broke or lonely – I changed my life because I was tired of being empty. I wanted to know how to give back what was always given to me. What I have now is beyond my wildest dreams.
While your eyes may lead me to wonder and confusion at times, it is untrue to say that I have no idea where you are. As I catch a glimpse of you staring into the ocean, I may not know where you are, but I know that you have always been with me, and for the life of me I don’t know what I did to deserve so much love. I guess every dog has its day.