If I should be brought before you, and am asked to skim the trees. To recollect my fondest thoughts amid a wasteland of memories. Then I should dig deep the shallow trenches, I will seek out every eye. For my past bear’s strong resemblance to the ones I stand before. And I will know a soft resistance as I push off from the shore.
I wonder how all of this will come to pass; How you and I will remember one another. I don’t sit with this for very long, for I know where my mind often leads me. I don’t drift to positive places. My mind seems to embrace the negative and haunting spaces. But I must think of this, of you and I and our past. My past, as it were, is what I must think of.
You were gentle with me, that was your way. You knew that anger would cause me running, and your job was to have me stay. And at times you were overbearing, you wanted for yourself my good health. You wished my mind would pause so you could rest. You cared for me- sometimes in the wrong way. But I forgive your co-dependence, your expectations, and your disappointment. I overlook these things because I, too, am full of error, and I am not here to blame.
I am here to recover the past, not for keeping but to learn. What was it about our relationship that you wanted to hold onto? What was it about me that you seemed so keen on keeping close? I’ve asked myself this question, and sometimes it makes perfect sense. I was a loving man. But I was a worthless man; I was a walking contradiction. Who holds onto the daily garbage? One who is sick themselves I believe. I look back with compassion, not wishing to change you, and this is not meant to enlighten you. This I doubt the entirety of you will ever read.
I can remember when you embraced me, and my embrace was a lie. I felt your heart pouring into my chest. I heard your heart pounding versus mine, its crimson waves exposing the emptiness in me. I felt you sometimes, and other times you left me frozen, or I left you frozen. We were just friends. We were lovers. We were enemies. All of it was real, though. You failed me and used me selfishly. You were so many people all at once; it’s no wonder I completely lost you at times.
But we are not unique. I considered you beneath me and became the type of man I have always judged, hated. My selfishness knew no boundary and was suffocated time and again. I had fallen so short of breath that our relationship had to change. All I could do was start over. I had no idea what this would mean but it was time to tear each other apart and continue. Alone.
The beginning was beautiful. Leaves fell hard in those first few days, and for some those leaves are still rocks on their backs. But it was no longer excuse enough for me to hide behind. I loved them dearly, I truly did. I love them today differently because I am different and they are different. They are whole but hard to see. I send out eulogies because I was not always there when the moment seemed to ambush us. I am here now, I am here for the ones who wish to hear me.
I feel we’ve been doing everything right but I still seem to lose you at times – the ghost vanishes and I must learn everything again. We outgrow each other’s usefulness. We no longer need one another. When you no longer need something it becomes a weight around your ankle unless you part ways while still feathers. In the beginning, it feels wrong; it angers me to part ways. But it is best for both of us and the best way for the whole of us.
Sometimes I glance out the window and see your birds singing. Other times I turn my back to you, wishing you would at once turn away from me. I love you, I have forgotten you, and I hope to love you. Before the earth, before the lovers and the users and the apathetic bystanders, I hope I give you something you cannot hold but can use. I hope you see me and know that the past is real, but it is gone and only alive in your mind. This moment is real as well. I hope you see the power of this moment, and I hope you forget me and move on if that is what you must do.
You have nothing to say to me, and I nothing to say to you, for the most part. One day I will sit down and tell you what it all means, but today you must work on it yourself. It is your world that you must save from forever wilting. You don’t live for me and I don’t live for you. We live for a purpose higher than both of us. I cannot define yours and I know you can’t give me the relief I once sought. I appreciate you for who you are and do not want you to change your colors to draw me closer. If I speak a foreign tongue to you and you wish to retreat, I do not blame you. Those who are meant to be in my life will be; most will leave. But all will become useful by becoming more like themselves.
I love you, I hope to love you, and I have forgotten and forgiven you. This is the death of our relationship.