“The light dove, in free flight cutting through the air the resistance of which it feels, could get the idea that it could do even better in airless space.”

Immanuel Kant

I fought this world for so long and the world never even knew I was upset. I have given up this fight and have found a new freedom by letting go of the control I never even had. I let go of an idea of mine; I admitted my powerlessness and quit trying to force others to fit into my life and instead allow myself to fit into the world, wherever that puts me. This freedom is an incredible feeling, one that is better left to experience than to chat about; words simply fail to comprehend this phenomena.

With this new freedom comes a choice, a decision to make about my future. There are those who resent my recovery, who feel that I have left them behind to clean up the mess. These people refuse to take responsibility for their part in the past and their blame is placed squarely upon me. I do not feel the weight of this blame, for the only burden I can carry is my own and i believe I have carried it well. I cannot make others recover from a life they regret, a life that I was indeed a part of and have since forgiven myself for. I have worked to make right any wrong I have done and I continue these efforts today, but for some it will never be enough.

So I am faced with a decision; to move forward with freedom or knowingly fall back into chaos and convince myself that I can change somebody for the better. I have already lost people in my recovery, those who I no longer meet eye to eye. In no way do I believe I am above anybody else, but in every way I believe this is the right life for me. I know what decision I will make but at times it can be a painful feeling — some will see selfishness where there is only love. I know I cannot take this burden from them though in my heart I want to try. My efforts to help those who resent me would only create tension and more anger towards me; my decision then becomes easier.

This is the difficulty in changing — having to witness so much fighting that simply makes no sense. The drive for control and power is overwhelming, the need for submission is absurd. The designs of those who place all their chips on an outcome that is destined to fail; all of this force leads always to failure. And I know there is nothing I can do — I would share my recovery but the work is often too extensive for those who have not come face to face with their devil.

And perhaps that is the curse of it all, the most painful challenge ahead of me. I must watch the world burn the same way the world had to watch me burn. I will not return to resentful hearts because I know there is nothing I can do except show them love and acceptance. Though the pain will rise in my heart as I watch the world burn I know what awaits once the flames die out; a new morning, a new version, and a new person with a new heart and new eyes will walk along their own path. I witness a rebirth and the loss of struggle. The world watched patiently as I took years to burn out and I must do the same. I will not force another hand, I will not try to control, and I will not shade my eyes from the flames. I have seen the flames before and in the midst of the fire awaits your moment of grace.

And in airless space, where the fight has ended and control has been relinquished I will send my love to you. The only way out of the fire is through, and until you find your grace I will continue to provide you with love.

One thought on “100

  1. Hey pug. Just enjoying a softball game across from apt. Beautiful day. I just noticed five or six days of your writings. Can’t wait to read them. Daddyo.

    Sent from my iPhone



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