“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.” – Fyodor Dostoevsky
Lately, things have been going well. I am turning 32 sometime this afternoon, and I have no idea what to say. I have no idea where I am going and no news on tomorrow. What fascinates me is that even though I have no certainties in my life, I am completely calm. I write, and I do volunteer work – I am not ashamed of my life today, nor should I be. What I have found interesting is that throughout my entire life I always presented myself as someone I was not. I would be anyone I thought you wanted me to be, albeit nobody ever told me to be a certain way. But I was so uncomfortable, so full of self-doubt that I thought if I just played the role of somebody significant I would, at some point, become someone significant.
The difference in my life today is that I do not live in fear – for I have nothing to fear. I can fall asleep without worry and am no longer tethered to the anxieties of my past. This lack of fear is not based in any knowledge of the future of course. What I have instead is understanding of the present. I know, for the first time in my life, who I am. What I once believed to be spectacular now pales in comparison to what I think my life has turned into.
I find only joy in the embrace of others and the eyes of strangers. I find myself in stages of passion that I never knew existed. The gift of life is only realized when one believes life can be fulfilling. A life that was once wildly confusing and based in a mental delusion is now lived with a fixed intensity on the day, letting go of my grip find my footing. The pathway to fulfillment and happiness is not found in magazines as I once believed. I have lived a life that has taught me precisely what does not bring me any satisfaction, and I have no room for them any longer.
I do not need to be known as anyone in particular. I only wish to be a source of light for those that need me and a place of compassion for those that do not understand me. I do not want to judge any longer – I have no room for it in my heart. I wish to grab the day with vigor and an unyielding passion for life in whatever form it comes. I would like to be present in the hearts of others, not as a burden but as a light.
I know who I want to be for the first time in my life, and it is not specific. I wish to be an impactful person, if only for brief moments in the lives of others. I would like to be a positive presence so that when I part company people will feel better than when I arrived. I hope to make an impression on you, to let you know that there is brightness deeper than you ever imagined inside of you. That you have the capacity to become more than you ever thought possible. I hope to instill in others the notion that we find no progress in comparing ourselves to others, rather we find progress in becoming better than we were yesterday.
I hope to trigger the emotion that leads others to see the benefits of reflection and honest introspection. That we have nothing to feel ashamed of so long as we continue breathing life into each moment. I hope to be this person because I have found a way to live a life beyond my expectations. At once I found that a life of fear, anger and pity is a life that is empty – a life that I do not wish to entertain.
I hope that you can feel the passion with which I type these words – the relentless pursuit of fulfillment and progress that comes with this life. I do not wish to bend your views to my opinion; I wish for you to build your energy into what you wish. I can face the world eye to eye and be the person I had always hoped to become – I sense the urgency each morning to prove to myself that I have what it takes to be better than I was yesterday.
Everything in my life lies one step in front of me. I do not rush life; I do not try to push it around. I do not wish the world to accept me; I would like to accept the world. I see the universe unleash its beauty in your smile – I see the sun shining fiercely in the eyes of those I love. I can accept the embrace of others – I can give more than I take. Each moment brings forth the bricks that I shall build my path with. Life is waiting for us to grab it – it is waiting for us to take hold of each other and carry love and compassion throughout the day instead of forcing ourselves upon others, smashing the dreams of those around us. I rise to meet the world eye to eye for the first time in my life. My happiness is not bound to anything in particular – it is found in the words I share with you and the smile I see in your eyes. Go out and take your life back and I will do the same – For the world will be whatever it will be, and I will be myself!