Revealing A Hidden Truth (PT. 1)

I have seen the truth – I have witnessed faith work its wonders right before me. It is my faith that others may laugh at, may shrug off as a hallucination of my mind. But it is here, it has taken form. I have seen the transformation of a man from a withering shell to a lover of life. I have seen the beauty in people, I have witnessed the brightness in their eyes. I have seen the works go into action and spring life into the world. I sit with the results, I know them very well. I am a result of this faith. I have seen action spur men into a freer life than they ever thought possible. This is a new way of life for me – I have seen the light in others and I can sense it in myself. 

{Revealing a hidden truth}

I have lived somewhat of a mystery. Part of me feels as if I have gone through much of my life acting accordingly. By which I mean that I have not always felt emotions or held beliefs with the same confidence as I believed others to have done and often times would behave as I thought I was meant to behave. For many years I seemed unsure of what specifically I was supposed to act like, as if there were some sort of template that could guide me to the correct end. My confusion seemed to know no bounds and to many people that know me personally this may sound a little far-fetched. Or perhaps it will seem spot on – what do I know of what other people think?!

Often times I look back on my past to try and figure out who I was. I think that in many ways I was pretending to be somebody that I believed people would respect and admire. Much of my 20’s seem to go unaccounted for – not in terms of my memory but rather in terms of what I was feeling. It is difficult for me to believe much of what I was selling to people, though during that time I believed myself to be selling a true version of myself.

But when I look back with clarity I realize that so much of my identity was a lie. If one payed close attention it would become very noticeable; my actions did not support my claims of love, passion, excitement, friendship, etcetera. It is difficult for me to say if I have ever truly loved the way I once told people I had. If I were put on the spot and ordered to name the things to support my claims I could not, then or at the present. I don’t believe I was capable of the type of love I see other people display towards one another, simply because I had never loved myself. It is important to say that nobody could have done anything differently to strengthen my emotions, I simply didn’t know what it meant to be in love with somebody. But I wanted to be. I wanted so badly to be seen as others were seen. I wanted to be somebody to depend on and I wanted to feel that longing that other people spoke of – but I didn’t.

One thing I believe to be true however is that I have always been a good judge of character in others. I saw something in other people that I knew I wanted to be a part of, and I had hoped that it would bring me happiness. But I never found that happiness, it never wore off on me. I behaved much the same way in my friendships, which can be a more forgiving relationship. Essentially, I had become a person that nobody could depend on. I believe that my calm demeanor made me bearable to be around, but I don’t think I was gaining any momentum with anybody. If anything I was always moving away from people, until eventually they would be gone from my life or they forced me back in to their life.

And on life went, forever leaning in and out of peoples lives, always careful to not stay too long. I had pictured myself as the hopeless but lovable character, never one to take home to mom and dad but always up for a late night talk. Over the years I began to notice a development that I wasn’t prepared for; I had found myself to be so distant from others that I could never realistically be a permanent fixture in anyones life. I had become so fearful of other people knowing to what depths I had fallen that I was no longer accessible. People had tried for years to love me but I had been so foolish in my pride that at once it seemed I had lost it all. I realized that love can wear people down, specifically when it is not shown back to them. I had taken this love for granted, assuming that somebody somewhere would be there to love me. And that was precisely my problem; I had always acted as if there would always be some new source of love for me to take in, as if they were stationed at the end of each exit ramp.

I had love from those closest to me, but love wears on these relationships too. This love was never going away but I was certainly doing one hell of a job trying to beat the life out of it. At some point this love becomes painful, difficult to show day in and day out. I had been so incredibly selfish and careless with the love others had shown for me because somewhere in my mind I knew I didn’t deserve it. I had a feeling that it didn’t belong to me anymore, it needed a new, more grateful owner. It didn’t make sense to me because I had been without true emotions for such a long period of time that I didn’t know how to react to it. All I could figure was that people were wasting their time.

And then, one evening in January I broke down. Maybe it was a spiritual awakening or maybe I was just beaten down but I had finally decided to give up the fight, I had been losing for years anyway. As I started to change I could feel these emotions come to life in me: love, pain, remorse, guilt, anger, sadness. I hadn’t felt these in any meaningful way for many years and they all hit me at once, like a savage dog let loose in my mind. I didn’t know how to handle these emotions correctly, I just had to let them overwhelm me.

As I continued on I began to awaken to a new life, a new perspective. People had told me to be patient and I had listened. I started seeing the beauty in the actions of others – what was once a blank stare was now an idea. I had the drive to give love back to the world – I had passion that I hadn’t known at all. I found that inside of me was a wealth of love to give to those who had shown me the same, and it wasn’t forced this time around. It feels natural, like the warmth from a fire. What had become of paramount importance was the fact that I finally found the ability to love myself. I knew how to give freely what for so long had been freely given to me.


One comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.